Hans unt Friedrich (two average German guys) are walking down a busy street....
Hans: "How many polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Friedrich: "I don't know -- let's invade Poland and find out!"
Everyone on the street: "Sieg Heil!"
Q: Heard of the new German microwave?
A: It seats 4.
An Irish guy dies, and his three best friends -- an Irishman, a Scot, and a Jew
attend the funeral. After the service, the Scot says "It's an auld Scottish
costom ta leave the dead wi' some money to provide for their wants in the next
world." So saying, he leaves a ten-dollar bill on the coffin. The Irishman
says "It's not my custom, but never let it be said that a cheap Scot will outdo an Irishman." So saying, he lays a ten dollar bill alongside the Scot's. The
two turn to the Jew, who shrugs and says "Well, I won't be the one to break up
the party." So saying, he writes a check for $30, leaves it on the coffin and
takes the $20.
Speaking of Jesus, the whole point of the "how do you know that Jesus is Jewish"
is that it kinda fits the stereotype, *and* happens to be true. Italy was the
Imperium back then, so using Italians doesn't work too well....
SUBJECT: More of Murphy's Laws
* Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* Quality assurance dosen't.
* The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
* Exceptions always outnumber rules.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
* If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
* One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
* A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
* The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
butter.
* The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
* When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
* The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
* The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
* You never want the one you can afford.
* Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
* If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
* When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
* Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
* Interchangable parts won't.
* No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
* If enough data is collected, anyghing may be proven by statistical methods.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.
* Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
* The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
* As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline rencounters
turbulence.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
* A free agent is anything but.
* The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* The one item you want is never the one on sale.
* The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
keys.
* If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.
Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts???
Cause their balls show!!!
REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
(please note, I have eliminated the obvious copies like, "you can have a
guitar all month long", and "a guitar doesn't care how many guitars you own")
1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.
REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (awwwwwww, gee, how sweet ;-)
(well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.
How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad,
but I could've done better".
Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
Last February we were in LA and happened to catch Frank Gambale at Le Cafe.
Frank was trying to introduce the next tune and drummer Tom Brectlein (sp?)
was doing the usual "annoying drummer" thing, which was to test his sticks to
make sure they were still evoking sounds from the skins.
In mid-sentence, Frank breaks off and turns around with a "Will you stop!?"
Back to the audience, he says, "Alright, he asked for it. How do you know
when there's a drummer at the door?" Blank looks. "The knocking speeds up."
Tom, not to take this silently, responded with, "What do you call two guitarists
playing in unison? ... Counterpoint."
So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches is everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with
this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist
named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up
with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this
good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's
a girl singer."
"The GTA Student Bible"
As recorded by the disciple Tracy Atteberry
Parable of the Teaching Assistantship
1 And it came to pass that the graduate students received the teaching
assisgnments.
2 That same day went the graduate students with great fear out of thier
offices and sought the counsel of one who was but a.b.d. (all but dissertation)
3 And great multitudes were gathered together unto him, so that he went
into a classroom and stood; and the whole multitude was seated with great
eagerness.
4 And he spake many things unto them in parables, saying: "Behold, a GTA
went forth to teach;
5 And when he taught, some truths fell by the way side (largely due to
mumbling), and no ears did receive the message.
6 Some fell upon heads made out of bone, where they had not much
thought: and forthwith their hands sprung up because their minds were shallow.
7 And when the test was up, their brains were scorched; and because they
had no understanding, they dropped the class.
8 And some truths fell among stray thoughts; and the stray thoughts
sprung up, and choked them:
9 But other fell into good minds, and brought forth homework, some an
hundred percentile, some seventy percentile, some sixty percentile.
10 Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
.
.
.
14 In them is fulfilled the prophecy which saith:
'By hearing ye shall hear,
and shall not understand;
and seeing ye shall see,
and shall not perceive.
15 For some student's minds hath waxed lethargic,
and their ears are dull of hearing,
and their minds they have closed.
Lest at any time they should see with their minds,
and should understand with their thoughts,
and should turn, and we would teach them.'
.
.
.
18 Listen then to what the parable of the GTA means:
19 Do not worry saying, 'What shall we teach?' or 'How shall it be
presented?' or 'How shall the curve be determined?'
20 For the uninformed chase after all of these things, and the graduate
school knows that you need them.
21 But seek ye first thine own studies, and concern for thine own g.p.a.
and all this funding (the Graduate Teaching Assistantship) shall be added unto
you as well.
Parable of the First Semester
1 Once again, the kingdom of the graduate school is like a net that was
let down into the sea of the undergraduate and caught every kind of student.
2 When the openings were full, the graduate committe drew the catch onto
the campus. Then they sat down and gathered the good into better offices, but
cast the bad away.
3 So shall it be at the end of the first semester: the sealed envelope
shall come forth and sever the unfortunate from the fortunate,
4 And shall cast them into the furnace of industry where there will be
weeping and biting of backs.
5 Therefore every student which is instructed unto the graduate school
is like unto a man that is a householder, which bringeth forth out of his
storeroom understanding new and old.
The creation of a pussy
seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy of their own design,
The first was a butcher smart with wit,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit,
The second was a carpenter strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
the third was a tailor tall and thin
and with a piece of red velvet he lined it within
the forth was a hunter, short and stout,
and with a piece of fore fur, he lined it without,
fifth came a fisherman nasty as hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell
sixth was a preacher whose name was migee,
who touched it and blessed it and said it could be,
last came a sailor, a dirtly little runt,
who fucked it and sucked it and called it a CUNT.
Virginity is a major issue over a little tissue.
Men have cocks that don't crow, balls that don't bounce and an ass that
doesn't carry weight. Women have pussies that don't catch mice. God
fucked up!
In days of old when men were bold,
and women wern't particulat.
We lined them up against the wall,
and fucked'em perpendicular...
Digital - Grace Hopper first woman to recieve U.S.' highest technology award
{Livewire, Worldwide News, 16-Sep-91}
U.S. President George Bush today awarded The National Medal of Technology to
Grace Murray Hopper, a senior consultant with Digital and a retired Navy
admiral. She is the first woman to receive the U.S.' highest technology award
as an individual. The award recognizes her as a computer pioneer who spent a
half century helping keep the U.S. on the leading edge of high technology.
Grace retired in 1986 as the U.S. Navy's oldest officer on active duty and
began a new career at age 79 at Digital. Until recently, Grace actively
represented Digital at computer industry forums, making speeches and serving
as a corporate liaison with educational institutions.
Her list of accomplishments in "Who's Who" runs over 40 lines. In 1945,
while trying to learn why a relay switch wasn't working on the Navy's Mark 1
computer, she found a large moth beaten to death by the switch. From then on,
whenever the team was troubleshooting a computer, they referred to it as
"debugging," a humorous reference that is now a footnote in history.
Demon Computer Kills 2 Workers! November 12,
1991
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
by Sally O'Day (Weekly World News)
"Exorcist Called In After Experts Discover Virus-bred Evil Spirit!"
Bank officials have summoned an exorcist to rid a computer terminal of a
hideous horned demon that <has> already killed two employees and put another
in a coma!
And if Father Hector Diaz fails in his mission to banish the spirit,
authorities say they will have to shut down the bank because the computer
can't be turned off, moved, or unplugged. And as long as it remains in
place, every customer and employee is in danger.
"This sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie, but the threat is both
serious and real," Police Detective Raul Lopez told reporters. "I don't
know why and I don't know how. But an evil force or spirit is living in that
machine and the death of two innocent people proves it."
Maria Catalan was found sitting at her terminal with her head in her lap."
Carmen de la Fuente had a fatal heart attack within two minutes of sitting
down to work.
Computer experts tired to examine the terminal, but they had no success
whatsoever. One of them started babbling like a madman when he got within
10 feet of the machine and a dozen more were flung to the floor like rag dolls
by some unseen force.
"We can't turn the machine off because everyone who tries blacks out and
falls to the floor. I know I must sound like a lunatic, but that computer
truly has a mind -- and a life -- of its own."
The mind-numbing drama began when the bank in Valapariso, Chile, installed a
new computer system last spring. Within days the system turned deadly.
When a bank custodian told of seeing a hideous horned demon appear on the
computer screen, bank officials asked Father Diaz to perform an exorcism.
The priest has been unavailable for comment while he prepares the rite of
exorcism.
But a spokesman for the firm that installed the computer system says that a
computer virus almost certainly created the conditions which caused the
